The New Jerusalem

If I ever have a punk band, it will be called "Urgent Stool".

What Would Veblen Say?

Near my house they tore up like four blocks of land and built this complex with a twenty screen theater and a bunch of mass market theme restaurant. Apparently going out is too hard for people. Like, locating a restaurant, going there, eating, and then making their way to the theater is more complex than most people can handle, so they need it all to be in one place so they won't get confused. *punchline*

Circular Logic

There's this thing called friendster. it's like an online profile so you can look to see how annoying your friend's friends are. The only trouble is, all of these people I kind of know keep asking to link to my site. I think there should be a thing called acquaintancster, where you can use a virtual environment to replicate the kind of fatuous relationships you have in school or at the office.

You don't like the sound of the Truth

There are aspects of my personal life I didn't talk about for a long time. I was embarrassed, I was conscerned about what my friends and family would think, what society would say; I knew what I felt in my heart, but I couldn't rectify it to any of the things I knew or believed about myself. But there came a point when I saw so many people lying, lying to the world and lying to themselves, that I just had to be honest. I am a Dixie Chicks fan.

People have all these preconceived notions about us, that you've got to be some in-bred trailter trash to enjoy a trio of banjo playing bottle blondes, but you're wrong. We're Doctors, we're lawyers, we're interior designers and massage therapists, we're not from trailer parks, we just have trailer parks in our hearts. the chicks speak to that: they have a MESSAGE. A message that's equal parts watered down 1970's feminism and sex and the city style girls club fun. But hey, if it's good enough for Gwen Steffani, it's good enough for us.

A lot of you may wonder why I'm standing up against the public ridicule and judgement and criticism. Well, ladies and gentlemen, it's because i've lived too long in a country where people were so worried about the opinions of others that they were scared to admit what they really enjoy lest they appear unhip. But mostly it's because of the Paxil, I really don't give a shit what anyone thinks these days.

I had a really good idea, but I forget what it was.

Duty

I got a jury summons last week, and i thought, damn, i should commit a fellony. Nothing cruel or evil, just bad enough to get the county of alameda off my ass and make sure i never feel guilty for not voting again.

The New Kashruth

Diet Coke isn't a beverage, it's a declaration of sexuality. It's a caramel brown, carobonated version of the question "Does my ass look fat." No one drinks diet coke unless they look at themselves and think, goddamn, i have to be hot enough to catch a man. You can suck a dick once in college, it doesn't make you gay, but if you drink diet coke, you've given in, you've started to think of yourself as a sexual object and eventually a day will come when you say, "Damn, you want to know what'd go good with this? Cock!"

Finding the ME inside

The other day I didn't go to work, I called in disaffected. So I stayed home and decided to reflect on my life, and what I mean to the world, and at the end of it, there was one question that sort of lingered over the whole ordeal: Why can't my life be more like Days of our Lives? I can't tell you how long it's been since someone tried to kill me to steal my husband. Nobody ever switches my baby or implants me with microchips or reveals that they're actually my father because the man I thought was my father was actually a jewel theif in Luxembourg at the time. If wonder whether my life means anything to anyone, it's largely because of the lack of sexy adventure.

An Informational Bracelet

What would Jesus do? all these bumper stickers ask. Well knowing jesus, he'd talk. Like, the presumption of the bumper sticker is that jesus would do the right and moral thing, but all we really know about him as a person is that he liked to hear the sound of his own messianic voice.

WWJD? He'd tell a parable, maybe an "I AM" locution if John was around, he'd tell us why life is like a mustard seed or a vine or a carpet cleaner, then wow, we'd all be better, boring people.

I prefer a less long-winded diety, Like Durga, the Hindu warrior goddess. I would really like a what would durga do bracelet, because in the majority of cases, the answer is "kill a deamon buffalo". That has way more relevance to my life than a parable about carpet cleaners.

Ouroberous
does this mark the first time I repeat a subject title... I think it's possible

There is nothing on this planet sexier than an arm band tattoo. Like a guy says to himself, hey, I want to be distinctive, I want to make myself pulse with sexual energy, hey, I know, I'll get the exact same tattoo that 9/10ths of america already got in 1996.

It's such a beautiful message, Hey ladies, look at my arm, it's big and strong because I am a man and will make big strong love to YOU. And you'll see guys, and they've got arm band tattoos, but no actual bicep to show off, and that's pathetic, but what's sadder is when a guy actually does have a nice big bicep all ringed up with barbed wire or celtic banding, because that means he's TRYING. He's saying "hi, my name is dylan and I'm a man skeeze". Gentlemen, cruel to be kind, i'm just doing this for your own good, but an arm band tattoo is the male equivalent of a tube top.