The New Jerusalem

Every time I hear someone say Jews are the root of all evil, I wonder "have they met my mom?"

I hate watching movies about people who learn the meaning of christmas. I'm 28 and i've still yet to learn the meaning of chanukkah. Hell, i'm not ever sure I know how to spell it.

The comics in LA are beautiful. Not particularly funny, but seriously, there's something kind of nice about a comedy show that makes you want to place low-denomination bills in the comedian's undergarments.

Nepalese Hindus believe that god has 10,000 names, and once all those names are determined, the universe will have achieved completion, and end. I have a similar theory, but instead of the names of god, it hinges on me determining, with specificity, each and every thing that is wrong with los angeles, then complaining about them.

I firmly believe in anonymous, commitment free sex. If you have to have sex with someone a second time, you probably did something wrong.

My life is really hectic. Work, comedy, personal life. I'm thinking of hiring a temp. Mainly just to find anonymous sex for me online.

I love alcohol, it makes me just deadens my brain just enough to not be crippled by criticism and self doubt. And for a moment I'm able to say "wow, so this is how stupid people have so much sex."

Should it just be "I love alcohol, it makes me just stupid enough to not be crippled by criticism and self-doubt."?

I can't believe in god. I have a hard enough time believing in myself.

Of the current crop of sexy young pop starlets, I think Xtina, Britney and Beyonce are the greatest, but the question is, which of them will be able to last, which one of them will still be with us 20 years from now.

I think the answer is clearly Christina. Unless that drug resistant syphallis gets to her first.

Here's why: for the past few years, Britney has been trying to keep a simultaneously skanky and clean image, really catering to the 10 year old girls and the men who love to love 10 year old girls. Beyonce has played straight R&B and kept a moderatly clean image, even going so far to say she found homosexuality disgusting.

but in this time Christina, christina wrote "beatiful" a song dedicated to gay love. Because, unlike britney and beyonce, she realizes that the little girls will grow up, the R&B crowds will move along and the pedophiles will leave you for younger, less legal starlets. But gay men. Gay men have nothing but their tans and their doll collections to get in the way of their deep love of dance divas. Christina knows that if you win the gay boys over in their twenties, you'll have them for the rest of their lives. Which also explains why Liz Taylor and Sharon Stone spend so much time raising money for aids research.

(Which, with advances in Aids drugs being what they are, could be upwards of 20 years.)

I have lived in Los Angeles three weeks now. I am tired of looking at luminously beautiful people. When I first moved here, I was like "wow, your incandescently white teeth and sharply chiseled abdominal muscles are hurting my eyes." Then later I was like "wow, I want to insert my penis into each and every one of you." Now, I really, really just want it all to go away.

This crazy Hollywood town is too much for my libido. I'm not used to this. I'm from San Francisco. I'm used to dirty hippies and 40 year old gay men and slightly soiled philipino bottoms. I don't know what to do with this crazy town where everyone is at the peak of physical perfection and flirting with the elan of a filly who is ready for the race.

The thing about sex in los angeles is it's not about love, it's not ab out beauty, it's about power. I can, rationally, understand this, but my penis cannot. My penis just keeps saying "SEXY, me wants it." and I try to explain to it, but my penis is like an 8 year old with down's syndrom. it just knows it REALLY wants it. "i'm like, no penis, no, we can't have the rock-hard 19 year old with dreams of becoming a hollywood dreamboat actor, he doesn't want us" and my penis is like "but we could rape it. let's rape it just a little."

So i'm having to jack off 5-9 times a day just to keep me from raping someone. Why, oh why must I be a feminist.

I was looking for apartments and this guy was like "so what sort of music do you listen to? Pet Shop Boys? Erasure?"

I was like "No, I mostly just listen to the recorded sound of men grunting as they take it up the ass mixed with a techno beat."