The New Jerusalem

President bush says there shouldn't be gay marriage, because it doesn't comport with traditional legal definitions of marriage.

I would like to say to president bush that i understand his point, this is something very new and very different that we're asking you to understand, and I appreciate that.

And I would also like to say to President Bush that I would like to buy Condoleeza Rice. Under traditional law, marriage is between a man and a woman, and under traditional law Ms. Rice, as a black woman, is a piece of personal property, like a purse, or a box fan. And even though Dr. Rice is a world-renowned expert on the soviet union and a classically trained pianist, under traditional law, i could force her to work 16 hour days chopping cotton, then come into her shack at night and sire a brood of mullato children upon her whom i could then sell, like puppies.

And however crass it may sound, please remember dear friends, unlike gay marriage, it does comply with traditional definitions of family.

Every time I ask a host to put me in his showcase here, suddenly i feel like a fat seventh grader who just asked a popular girl to dance. Like, the hosts act so put upon, like they're just so taxed by having to exert the effort to be kind of polite while saying no, that i feel sorry for them.

I'm almost entirely oblivious to my own faults, which is kind of impressive when you consider how self-absorbed I am.

Ethnic neighborhoods are hack. You go to any city in any town and what are you going to find? Sweat shop produced electronics next to enormous dim sum palaces. Yawn. Overly tanned men in too much black leather outside of a pizzaria. Pathetic. I want to see something I haven't seen before. I want Portland oregon to get a thriving danish neighborhood full of sex workers and pressed ham. I want to get authentic cameroonese food outside of indianapolis city hall...

I went on anti-depressants once, but it turns out when I'm not depressed i have nothing to talk about. god, i'd rather be misserable for 10 years and then shoot myself than spend the rest of my life being boring and having everyone wish they could shoot me.

I think actors are wonderful people, as long as they're letting you ejaculate inside of them. The minute they want to tell you how much they learned about life from playing Strephon in Iolanthe, well, those finely honed cheek bones aren't really so redeeming anymore.

I don't have friends. I've found acquaintances and gin work just as well.

I feel sorry for the political wives of today. Like 40 years ago, you were married to a senator with presidential aspirations, your job was to stare lovingly, harbor a secret prescription pill additiction, and generally waste your life going to teas and reading books to children. Now if you're a political wife, you're expected to have graduated third in your class from yale law school, then generally wasted your life. The wives of the democratic presidential primary candidates were like a gilded cage supreme court of women whose skills and abilities were allowed to flourish only until they reached a point when they might outshine their husbands.

except for theresa heinz kerry, she was just a crazy foreign lady.