The New Jerusalem

WHen I express concerns about my relationship situation, or lack thereof, there is a general response. Which is basically become sexier. I know it's what I should do. It's kind of what I did in the cold of minnesota. I ate egg whites and mastered stairs and became less fat but was still too fat for most people's tastes. and then i got happy again, and then i gained the weight back.

A key problem with this is that it's basic premise is telling yourself you're not good enough. Saying "they are right, there is another me who is worthy of this, i should be fired in favor of other me". and i know other me is better, but i can never quite screw up the courage to fire current me. because he takes such good care of me.

I'm trying to give myself an eating disorder again. A better one.

I can just never bring myself to say that i'm wrong. How are you supposed to learn to love yourself more by rejecting yourself?

Still, i want to be sexy. Maybe i just need to reject myself in a different way.

were one to judge by friendster profiles, I am the only gay man who has ever worn a shirt.

Gay men love an ugly woman who says "I am beautiful" but get pissed as fuck when I say it.

Since I started playing Grand Theft Auto, i find myself more frequently inclined to make grossly illegal vehicular maneuvers.

Since I started doing comedy, i'll find myself in social situations and sometimes, irregularly, think, "how can i make this about me".

the second one is a hugely embarassing thing, it's one of those think then immediately get super-mad at yourself for thinking it things. i read a masters thesis today arguing why the internet makes people crueler. it also makes us far more willing to disclose things. more honest, in ways, but, you know, social lies are a virtue in ways, it forces us to try to be better people.

I've been writing material, just in other fora. Sorry if this stuff is too repetative, depressing or whatever.

i spend a lot of time and effort trying to avoid subjects that will sadden or depress others, but then manage to hit on ones i wouldn't have even thought of.

Gay guys tend to reject me for one very big reason. Me being a very big reason. I just wish they understood, you can't judge someone like that, you can't just say look at him, he's fat, he's unworthy. Because I'm the good fat, like in salmon. I'll love you, I'll entertain you, and i'll lower your risk of heart disease.