The New Jerusalem

There came a point during my senior year at berkeley when i realized my liberal arts degrees had left me with no skills, no prospects, no friends and a couple ten grand in debt. I realized my only options were suicide or law school.

i'm still not certain I made the right choice.

I am like a sexual belgium. However nuanced and responsible and interesting I may be, I just don't have the firepower to matter.

I think gay people are secretly trying to undermine the sacrament of marriage. Wedding planners are our al quaeda. we figure if we can't get married, we might as well make your weddings as expensive and tacky as possible.

The president has stated, in response to the Mass. Supreme Court decision, that a marriage should be defined as a relationship between a man and a woman. Is this the person we want giving us vocabulary lessons?

Some people are describing Iraq as a quagmire. They're wrong. A quagmire is a swamp. Iraq is an inescapable horrible situation that is very DRY.

I can't tell. Have i mentioned my new goal of writing a passover hagaddah which is also an interactive murder mystery? it's golden, golden I tell you.

Atheist exorcisms are a brilliant idea.

Congress recently passed a law allowing the US to start testing nuclear weapons again. Now, I'm no nuclear physicist, but I did once consider buying one of Jimmy Carter's books about jesus, and I can tell you what nuclear testing is going to show: that nuclear bombs are good at blowing lots of stuff up.

Oh, and it'll give kids in Nevada cancer and cost the country billions.

You know, I like an ICBM as much as the next guy, but I really don't think a billion dollar missile program is the best use of company funds when the real threat to our safety is five guys named mohommed sharing shwarma in a cave outside kabul.

Why is america spending so much on efforts so grossly unrelated to the realities of modern warfare? Well, children, i'm sorry to say, but I think it just might be possible that our little experiment in democracy might be so delirious from infection that it's actually prioritized the maintained security of us all behind the financial interests of a few boys with some money in the military industrial complex.

christ, i sound like a trite '80's marxist. Someone call an exorcist, you know, an atheist one.

I enjoy reading "People: En Espanol" because it's a great way to learn about different cultures. Apparently Salma Hayek is the spanish word for Debra Messing.

Green as Goose Shit

A hepatitis outbreak in Pittsburgh was traced back to a load of tainted green onions. Now the CDC is suggesting green onions only be eaten fully cooked. But the whole point of green onions is that you eat them raw. Call me crazy, but I think that any risk of possible death is completely outweighed by the simple, unmittigated pleasure of enjoying scallions raw and unadulterated. It's very similar to my opinions about anal sex.

Shallow people fascinate me. Not just the polite sort of shallow all middle class americans are able to achieve, I'm talking about high order veniality. About a year ago, when I was in my BarBri class, there was this guy, and he was THAT gay. You know, THAT gay. And every day he'd show up to class with his hair fastidiously fixed or mussed as the fashion winds of the day allowed, and he'd walk in with his jeans hanging down over his (colored, of course) briefs in this highly determined fashion which had me imagining him at home with a protracter and calculator running engineering hypotheticals on the perfect angle to sling his jeans without actually having his weiner fly out. And as these images flitted through my mind, tantalizing me as actual thoughts of sex never could, another part of my brain, possibly some internal ombudsperson responsible for the fair and efficient accounting of my para-sexual fantasies paused to ask "I wonder where he finds the time to compose these complexities? I know, it's probably all that time I spend fruitlessly worrying about the Palastinian/Israeli conflict."

I know, there are many kinds of intelligence, and the guy, whose name I never knew, probably just had that "keeping sexy" intelligence I lack, and finds it as easy as I do use of my particular intelligences. Like finding intense, sexually repressed subtext in anything I read, see or smell, or my ability to endlessly speculate about the internal motivations of the fatuous.

There's something so attractive about the self-absorbed. Like, they're so keen on themselves, you really want to dig down in there and figure out what they've got going on. Plus, there's no pressure on you to be entertaining or engaging or attractive yourself because they really don't give a shit about you. It's like all the benefits of being alone, but with someone else in the room.

Remember Tara Reid?

'member?

'member!?!

Michael Jackson has called his arrest a modern day lynching.

I really don't think he's allowed to play th erace card anymore.

Recently Jen Aniston and Brad Pitt went to Israel to try to help heal the rift between the Israelis and Palastinians. Because the thing that's been lacking in peace talks up until this point is clearly dreamy green eyes and rock hard abs. Still, I don't think they'll succeed. No, Peace in the middle east will take more than that. It'll take Catherine Zeta Jones and Michael Douglas doing a dance number from Annie Get Your Guns.

I love dogs. Like when you talk to a dog, and they whine and bark back at you, like they think it means something. It kind of reminds me of when maddonna pretends her songs mean something.

The celebrity whose political opinions I trust most: Jamie Leigh Curtis. i'm not being ironic, just trust that it's the right choice.

Ashton & Demi

i think it's possible they aren't dating, demi is simply slowly sucking the youth from him, like an endocrinological vampire. and at the end of things, who's going to feel punked then, huh?

My secret desire is to compose a passover hagaddah that is also an interactive murder mystery.