The New Jerusalem

One thing I've never really understood, as a white person, is why black people haven't killed us in our sleep yet. Like, we treated them as property for 400 years, denied them civil rights for another 150 years. Killing us in our sleep seems like the natural, logical response.

Look at Bosnia. Look at Israel. Stuff a lot less heinous happened a lot longer ago, and they're still slitting babies throats about it. Black people, by comparison, barely a peep.

Sure, sure, some white people get pissed off about surly service at walgreens or the occasional riot in south central LA and think black people are all unnecessarily pissed off and angry, but frankly, every night I don't wake up with a length of wire pulled taught around my neck by a woman saying "Shaquanda's a real funny name now, ain't it cracker" I feel like i've dodged a bullet.

(should i just end it there?)

As a white person, most of the time, you don't even think about it, you just figure "sure, we were inhumanly cruel to an entire race of people for 500 years, but we've been super nice to them, we've treated them almost like human beings for almost 30 years now."

But to my mind the only reason we haven't had total and complete race war in this country is the restraint of black america. They decided to be good christians and muslims and apparently whitney and bobby are jews now, but the point is, they decided to try to move past things and deal with things peaceably...

but where did all of that rage go?

choreography... dunno how to make it work... the answer *IS* choreography, but i don't know how to make it sound other than trite.

Sometimes I get so mad at myself for being unpreductive, like I’m a horrible human being who never, ever, ever does laundry when he should. Then I realize it’s not that I’m unproductive, it’s just that I’m really good at wasting time. I may never pay my rent on time, but I can watch the Carol Burnette infomercial 3 times in a row. If that’s not genius, I know not what is.

Part of me doesn't know how to deal with issues of sexual attractiveness. Like I'm never going to be as sexy as even the average gay guy. I don't know how I'm ever going to get someone to fall in love with me. So I've started taking out attack ads. *doont doont* Devon is a muscular blonde top from the castro. *doont doont* That's what you know about devon, but what don't you know about devon? What you don't know is how many times devon has had crabs. *doont doont* what you don't know is how many dicks devon has sucked since his last chlamydia smear *doont doont* what you don't know is how often so called "top" devon has let a guy up in there "just this one time". "my name is guy branum, and I approve of this ad".

My company just got purchased by comcast. I was really worried about my job, but then i smeared my cubicle with the blood of a lamb, and think i should be ok.

I was the single most annoying person at my high school. Now I've always been annoying, I was the kind of child who kept insisting the third grade class play should be long days journey into night. I refused to use contractions. I used to pray every night that god would make me british so i could be that much more sophisticated. And I'm still pretty annoying, but I think, in ways, at 16 I was in the full flower of my annoyingness, there's just something about the Future Business Leaders of America and excessive use of words I learned from SAT prep lists which came together to make me exactly the kind of dick who helped ruin high school for everyone else.

I grew up in a small farming community in Northern california. You can imagine how well i fit in. It was like Oscar Wilde doing a guest appearance on Hee Haw.

When I started working in an office, I started drinking a morning cup of joe. Like, during college i drank coffee, but it wasn't regular coffee, it was fancy, european coffee faggoted up with steamed milk and white chocolate and ill-conceived socialist leanings. When I started working at an office, I started drinking coffee the way men drink it, the way my dad drank it, black, hot, and out of an oversized novelty mug with a star of david on it. But then, one day, the coffee machine broke down. My work is a bullshit tech company with lots of fancy ideas about the future, and apparently in the future we get shitty coffee made for us by a robotic machine vaguely remeniscient of what the future looked like in 1977, but the point is, one day the coffee machine broke down, and I realized I had a problem. Somehow, along the way, I turned from a normal coffee drinker into the Mom from Long Day's Journey into night, I just stood there, staring at the coffee machine, screaming "mama needs her medicine!"