These words are the last testament of Jesus Christ in the New World.

Thursday, July 17, 2003

Declaration of purpose

I hate hipsters. I hate anyone who thinks they're better than the process of consumerism but still manages to buy 3 dollar coffee on a regular basis. I hate it when people say they don't like new country. Fuck you. The Dixie Chicks are better than Buck Owens and to say otherwise is probably either ill informed or the laziest sort of conservatism. I hate hipsters because they're people who claim to live by a highly refined aesthetic code, but instead replace affirmative choice with herding conformity. When people note that their dress or musical taste is strikingly similar to some crush of others, they always seem to note that it just happens to be what they like. Well, good friends, I would then ask you to observe and ruminate on why, exactly, the things you like happen to be in lockstep with so many others. Then I'd demand you spit out your cud, because you're not an animal.

So there's this web site called friendster, and what it does, is it allows you to create a network of your friends and their friends with like profiles and everything, and using it has been fascinating. It's really neat to look and see just how boring my friend's friends are. Wow, ANOTHER black haired hipster in a trucker cap and a cowboy shirt, I can't believe his favorite band is radiohead. What's this, a blandly attractive gay guy, who would have guessed david sedaris is his favorite author. Then I wonder, what must I look like to them? In the cold flourescence of an online questionaire, do I seem as bland, as textureless as they. Then I remember I'm a socially retarded 300 pound bald gay jewish native american with conservative political leanings, and I breathe a sigh of relief, because in this dehumanizing soulless age, I'd rather be a sideshow attraction than a cliche.

Maddonna has gotten so into kaballah that she now insists that everyone call her by her jewish name. I'm not exactly sure what it is, but furkakte shikse springs to mind.

So Maddonna is jewish now? Does that mean I'm a middle aged Italian woman? I mean, first she was a hindu, then she was a cowgirl, now this. People make fun of michael jackson trying to be white, but at least he was able to pick one thing and stick to it.

Dearest reader, as long as we keep paying attention to her, she's never going to learn. It's OUR fault she's a borderline psycho, there's only one answer to this: just put down the us weekly.

Maddonna's little reinventions are astoundingly trite. I never understood why catholics went out of their way to get offended by her like a prayer video, but now she's started to fuck with my religion... and... i ran out of gas. Make a la isla bonita joke, guy!
Keeping Bearable

I believe firmly in the second amendment, but recently a friend of mine really made me think about the place of firearms in our society. Like, I always thought private people having guns was the best way to protect our individual rights. But my friend, he says that the only weapon we need to fight against government tyrrany is the right to free speech, that our words are the only weapon we need. So I shot him, and told him "yeah, buddy, why don't you come up with a sassy comeback to that."

Monday, July 14, 2003

Learning Can Be Boring!

So Annemarie's only vacation interest is science museums. Well, she maintains a clear heirarchy of musea: Science & Industry, then History, then Art. I, in marked constrast, go Art, History, Social Inquiry, then Science. Annemarie maintains there's no such thing as a museum of social inquiry, completely ignoring such institutions as the museum of tolerance, and the museum of sex.

This led to a discussion of the possibility of a museum of Human Interest, which I think is a brilliant idea.

Point being, we went to the exploratorium. For my fans in Guam, the Exploratorium is a science museum in San Francisco. I hadn't been there since I was 10, but when we got there I realized this 17 year gap was no extreme loss, as most of the exibits were still the same. Call me crazy, but I maintain that if you're learning about something on a Mac+, it's very clearly not science.

What struck me most was the extent to which I've become science blase, I'm attrociously "been there, learned that". All the things which used to seem fascinating were now just... lame. Like the upstairs portion included a very large exhibit about engines and generators and I just don't give a shit. I know how they work, turning a crank and seeing a light come on just doesn't dazzle me anymore.

Yes, guy, because it's about discovery, and you can't discover things more than once. until dementia.

The other big issue with the exploratorium was the awkwardness of it being "for children". Fucking kids. It was like people were looking at you funny just because you wanted to learn things you already knew. I paid adult goddamn admission, I get my turn.

And these shovey fucking kids have NO idea how a line works. Always jumping in front of you. I spent 15 minutes waiting for a mind-bending chance to recalibrate my reflexes to screwey goggles to shoot mini basketball baskets, and this little boy in a blue visor just jumped in front of me. He did it again at a disk-rolling thing, then again at a round xylophone. I nearly broke him in twain. yes, and they would call ME the criminal.
Mind Games

I love the People Magazine crossword puzzle so much. So much. Not to do. Doing it is a kind of torture. The obviousness of the answer is almost painful, such that filling in the gigantic boxes just seems like a kind of chore, like filling in the name-letter bubbles before taking a scan-tron test. No, I love the People Magazine crossword because it's fun to think about how much smarter I am than america. Look at this, america is sitting in the dentist's office, desparately trying to remember a four letter horror film about a killer whale. America is RETARDED. Every time I feel weak, or emotionally bankrupt, I remember not to judge myself by my shortcomings, but by other people's shortcomings.
Annemarie's Quote of the Week

"Rene Russo, is there any crossword puzzle you're not in?"
The Truth About Ashton and Demi

Annemarie is in town. She is my best friend from North Dakota. Annemarie is a wonderful human being and an attrocious vacation guest. Primarily because she's a human being without desires. Well, she does have desires, but no desires which can be met by vacation: She loves TV, Pot, and entertainment magazines. Which means we've looked at a hell of a lot of pictures of Debra Messing this weekend.

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