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These words are the last testament of Jesus Christ in the New World.

Friday, June 17, 2005

On the bus this morning I sat next to 5 australian guys. Are we sure that Australia is a country? because people are always saying it's a country, then other people say it's a continent. I personally, theorize it's a fraternity. Like, all australian guys are kind of athletic and burly and muscular, and they seem to be drunk a lot, and often shouting or participating in intramural athletics. but at the same time, they all love Abba and really short shorts, so they're kind of gay, too, like a real fraternity.

perhaps "the us was founded according to principals of ancient roman law, australia seems to have based its national ethos on a midwestern fraternity"

Wednesday, June 15, 2005

I get my new intern today. We have two. I'm going to structure it as a reality program i've tentatively and hackily titled in my brain "america's next top intern". over the course of the summer, they will compete to see who our panel of judges, who will be selected on a rotating basis from the WoW guild. The challenges will mostly involve upon whom i can foist the most work. then, at the end of things, i'll have one who's officially my favorite, then forget his name after about a week.

a disproportionate number of our interns are named peter. a disproportionate number of them are sexxxy.

Tuesday, June 14, 2005

Every time I date a guy, I feel like he’s going to expect something out of me that I’m just never going to be able to satisfy. It’s the main reason I broke up with my last boyfriend, his name was mom.

I did date one girl, but the whole time I was with her, I felt like she was going to expect something out of me I just couldn’t give her. Her name was mom.

People always ask if I dated girls in high school, and if you mean, did I go out to the movies, high school dances, and occasionally make out with them, yes. But unlike other guys, my goal wasn’t just getting to sleep with them, I was interested in learning about them as people, and keeping my mom from realizing the true meaning behind my deep affection for the Calvin Klein ads in the Rolling Stone. Plus, I really like braiding hair.

I hate gay guys. Like gay guys now are all about showing America how manly and masculine and muscular they can be. Which is, admittedly, really hot, but after I’m done ejaculating in or on someone who really cares how hot they are, what really matters for me when it comes to creating a relationship, is whether you know all the songs from Grease.

If I wanted to date someone who was so insecure in his status that he has to constantly be showing how masculine and in control he can be, I would have just married one of the women I went to law school with.

People always say “I want to go to law school, not to become a lawyer, but just for the knowledge you gain” that’s like going to an ani difranco concert to see the titties. It’s a lot of hassle and very, very little gain.

I’m an astoundingly sad person, but I can never quite lose hope. All day long, every day, I’m sort of constantly aware that I’m probably going to fail, but I just have this irrational perkiness that keeps me from killing myself. Sometimes I wonder if I’m clinically depressed. Sometimes I wonder if I’m a Carly Simon song.

If I were sexy, I would simply be too powerful. As things are now, America loves me. America may not realize it yet, but America’s got a great big hardon for this fat faggot right here. I’m smart, funny, and with the assistance of two to four cocktails, quite possibly the most charming human being since the late noel coward. Imagine if I had a rock-hard torso. I’d be insufferable. –er.

As a young jewish man who grew up in the 90’s, I should desparately wish I were black. I never really did, because I enjoy the presumed deference of america’s police officers and the liberty to use “employee only” bathrooms in lower class neighborhoods.

I have lots of friends, but none of them fit all my needs. Some are great but far away, some are near, but don’t know me well. Some are gay, but I can never be fully comfortable around them. Some are women and I can never be fully gay around them.

I’m bad at making friends. Part of me will just never figure out that other people aren’t just moderately interesting robots.

I’m kind of bad at making friends. Mostly because my family are jews from Arkansas, and making “friends” usually resulted in klansmen burning our house down or a mulatto baby named Chaim.

I’m a man. I may be sensitive, I may be gay. But I will never really realize that the way to get a relationship is actually caring about someone else’s feelings. I just can’t resign that there isn’t an easier way, like some sort of cheat code or loophole in tax code to earn me the love of a smart, interesting man with rock-hard pecs. I should learn to care about other people, to find beauty in the one’s who like me, to, well, listen, but as a man, I’ll always just hope there’s class 50 cleric spell that can somehow earn me the undying love of a man.

My first reaction to any problem is to take about 6 months to do book research, then plot out analytical graphs of the problem to illustrate the issues at hand, then determine the most logical path. Which explains why I’m so bad at relationships, because wikipedia can’t tell me if david werblow is quiet but sensitive or just really boring.

Last night I was listening to a carly simon song written for heartburn, a meryl streep movie about the life of nora ephron and I thought to myself, in the words of sojourner truth, “ain’t I a woman”. Fuck you bitches and your uteruses. I cried at PRACTICAL MAGIC. I spent 20 minutes at whole foods last week staring at a woman’s baby thinking “where can I get an organic baby?” I am discriminated against based on my gender and my body, I can never find pants that fit right, and I have wasted more than a bit of my life watching passions. Yes, I may have a penis and a y chromosome and massive upper body strength, but all I really use it for is reading us magazine and fretting about boys.

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My email is guyball@yahoo.com. I don't know how to put it in here as a magical link thingy