The New Jerusalem

As I understand it, Tom Cruise has raped Oprah. While this can hardly be said to be an unexpected turn in Tom's monumental struggle with his sexuality, I'm sure it will have no end of negative consequences for racial and sexual relations in this country. But I cannot stress enough that i know where tom is coming from. Tom is an Achiever. Tom *IS* Jerry McGuire, He *IS* Maverick. Tom has thusfar had a string of confusing relationships with old women, bad actresses who tricked us into liking them in pedro almodovar films, and australians who would be lesbians if they weren't clearly too stupid to operate a vagina. All along the way, tom has asked "why isn't having sex with these bombshells as much fun as the blowjobs i get from my 'assistant' in the trailer. Unlike the rest of you mediocrities and Ricky Martin, Tom wasn't content to simply throw in the towel and content himself with a life of publically loving dick and having his career immolate at his first mention of said affection. no, he said he had to go and try the greatest woman the earth has to offer.

hence the rape.

also, apparently, katie holmes was there.