The New Jerusalem

Garbo Self-Congraulates

So I was looking at my second degree friendsters here in Los Angeles. I'm very bad at making friends, and i figure if technology wants to help, all the better. But in the course of looking at my second degree friendsters I ran across a young man who, under "who I want to meet" had written: No one. I am drowining in friends. then, all in caps, "DON'T ADD ME". As the sort of person who exists in a constant haze of self loathing, reading something that aloof and self-satisfied was an experience I can only compare to a mideaval catholic ecstasy. I was like St. Theresa, but instead of wondering how i could possibly love jesus more, I had to ask myself the question, do i have it in my heart to hate this ruggedly handsome, sickeningly vain 23 year old as much as he deserves.

No, ladies and gentleman, unlike that Iberian sister who gave her heart wholly to her christ, I knew I couldn't hate that friendster bastard to the extents necessary. I can be mean, I can be catty, but I just don't have it in me to be downright hateful. I always kind of want people to like me, I spend my life tapdancing to try to keep friends around. This little cunt had written a profile that had written off every human being but the 90 some odd friendsters he already had, but I couldn't even bring myself to dismiss him.

Then i realized the only possible answer. I would develop a crush on him. That kind of fuming arrogance, the general demeanor that makes perfectly clear someone never, ever wants to talk to someone as fat and unhip as I. Pure, unadulterated self-absorbtion, there's nothing more attractive than that. I would crush him, love him, then, when he was a dick to me, in the way he had promised, when he had broken my little heart, then I could harness the power of my own self-pity to CRUSH HIM like the worthless lump of flesh i already knew he was.

Or it may have been a joke. I'm not sure.