The New Jerusalem

Emo? E-me!

(This isn't an entry of joke, it's an entry that would be an email to a loved one if my best friend weren't really busy and I hadn't alienated two people very close to me and if I didn't feel like my relationships with others couldn't support this sort of weight)

I've never had a real relationship. Which means I'm 28 and I've never really had anyone I felt I could totally, totally emotionally rely on other than my mom. Which means, in times like this, when I have a lot on my plate, a new city, no friends around, tooth in the back of my head cracked open and raw nerve exposed, car not working and shitty public transit. It means that at times like this I feel like my parents are the only people i can talk to. Traditionally, i'd call and they'd tell me I was a morally weak person and that was the cause for my failure, and if i were simply less lazy things would be better. But now I yell back, then they tell me they don't want to talk to me.

So the answer is not to talk to them, but i don't have anyone to talk to, and I don't know how to hurt without talking.

I'm scared I'm going to vicodin-holiday my way out of it and become an addict. because i'm feeling maudlin and 13.