The New Jerusalem

Home depot is like a drug. Like you go and it says “look at what you can do guy, you can install CROWN MOLDING your life is a sad and pathetic thing but it would be entirely better if you just had CROWN MOULDING”. And you’re there and they’ve got entire kitchens, appliances, a playful assortment of seasonal holiday decorations each promising a life new and better than before and you say YES, YES, YES. But home depot is no regular store, it is a boxy, just-off-the-interstate faustian bargain, because, when you go to a regular store and you buy a desk or a portable electric pasta maker, you get home and have a desk or a portable electric pasta maker. But when you go to home depot and buy a whole new gorgeous bedroom, you go home and all you have is a pile of wood, a bucket of paint, and the crisp realization that you are never going to get up off your lazy ass long enough to install any of the things you’ve purchased. Because the one thing they really need to start stocking at Home Depot is a reminder of your own inadequacies.