The New Jerusalem

Conspicuous Consumption

I live in this really yuppie part of oakland that's full of young, successful professionals who are always jogging and buying overpriced cruelty free meat and pushing around their designer strollers. I hate them and their godforsaken bourgious spawn. Dude, I'm 28, I went to grad school, and I don't know anyone who can afford a one bedroom apartment, let alone a baby. do you know how much a baby costs? they're more expensive than a jack russel terrier. And these aren't just normal babies these yuppies have, these aren't little kids who wear bathing suits and flip flops nine months of the year until they're old enough to go on Jerry Springer, no they're designer babies. They have bugaboo strollers and disney clothes and prada shoes. And you're probably saying Guy, you're just complaining like that because you're still telemarketing and you're jealous of the Rich, successful yuppie parents. But that's totally not true. I'm jealous of the babies. They don't know how to walk and they have better shoes than I do. I want a rich couple to work 17 hours a day so that they can afford to buy me things to make up for their neglect. I want someone to carry me. But mostly I want to be able to shit myself. any. time. i . please.