These words are the last testament of Jesus Christ in the New World.

Tuesday, July 08, 2003

The Dorkiest Name in Christiandom

My Eyes are Kind of Green

I hate the guy who wrote the book of "Avenue Q", Broadway's off-broadway hit about the foibles of post collegiate life told through the eyes of a band of hensonian puppets. I do not know the guy who wrote the book of Avenue Q, nor will I take the time required for a simple google search to ascertain who he is, because I daren't provide him with further dignity. I don't know him, he is an acquaintance of a friend of a friend, but then again, I'm a homosexual, I'm probably six degrees of STD phone tree away from just about everyone in the broadway community. Except for elaine strich.
The point is this guy who wrote the book for avenue q is enjoying great acclaim for his writing, and in his spare time works as a gay naked dancer. That is just wrong. Look at me, I am a swirling tumult of genius. And I'm fat and ugly, as is only right and moral in this mixed up world. i don't know this person who wrote the book to avenue q, but he looks blond and aryan and must have a great number of visible and rock hard abs to make a living dancing around naked or mostly naked for the edification of sophisticated new york homosexuals. These aren't OMAHA homosexuals who would be aghast to simply see a gay man whose been inside a diesel outlet, no, these are real live gym toned chelsea homosexuals who can probably see a fair number of rock hard abs if they simply stay home and order in chinese. Avoiding rice and breading, of course, because of the carbs.
But the point remains that if this fellow who wrote the book to Avenue Q is even somewhat capably talented enough to earn the approbation of the great white way and has as tight and sunny blond as one should naturally presume, why, it's simply a cruel reminder of the inequities of fate. not nature, mind you, fate, for a number of reasons discussed at the beginning of As You Like It, but the point stands that he reminds one that however much one would like to pretend one lives in the polite enlightenment world of democratic egalitarianism, it's all a lie. This is the world of Darwin, where some people are better than others and some people have asses off of which coins can be bounced AND still manage to find professional success and critical acclaim as authors, and some of us... well...

I AM a swirling tumult of Genius.

And his name, btw, is Jeff Whitty. And he was on As The World Turns, which is pretty cool.

Sometimes I wonder if the reason I haven't succeeded in show business is because my name doesn't sound jewish enough. Like, if your name sounds TOO jewish, that could get in the way, like if my name were Avram Cohen-Lifshitz and I were attempting to get work as an action hero or Romantic Comedy Leading Man. But I'm not trying to be anyone's leading man, I'm a COMIC, people are comfortable with comics being rather Jewy.. But me, if you looked at me, and I wasn't wearing a yarmulke or ritually slaughtering a cow, you probably wouldn't know that I'm really quite extraordinarily jewish. I'm probably jewisher than I am gay, but it's doing me no good. I bet if my name were Guy Kahn, the international conspiracy would have given me a show by now.

Elon Gold, I'm looking at you.

Sometimes, when I drink enough coffee (i think caffine is an alkaloid, i could be wrong), i get this wierd fluttery feeling in my heart. The feeling reminds me of what it used to be like when I could still hope.

Sadam Hussein was a crazy, crazy guy, unfortunately, Iraq was also one of the most stable, secular countries in the middle east. I'm really conserned about the destabilizing effect the war has had. You know, if we're gonna invade somewhere, next time, let's just invade israel. It's already fucked up enough, there's not much we could to to make it worse.
Nurit is Sweet

My neice's hebrew name is Nurit. It means buttercup. Unfortunately, she's related to me, and looks like it, and I wonder if a small, delicate flower was the best name for her. I think they should have given her a name that celebrates her strengths as a person. Like Choma, meaning "retaining wall", or Shora, meaning female ox.

I was always the biggest kid in my class, but I was always really low-key and nice, so I was NEVER a schoolyard bully. And sometimes I think I missed out. like, it would have been really good for my psyche to know the sense of pride that comes with stealing a smaller child's lunch money. But I can never go back to grade school. but I am the biggest guy in my office, and some of those little computer jockeys spend a LOT on lunch.
Jars of Boring

The christian marketing movement is amazing, there are christian rock bands, evangelical movies, christian romance novels, and i think to myself, If only there were a JEWISH entertainment industry.
If Lifetime pity is woman-porn, is there a reciprocal corollary to rape? In the way that rape is the violation of a woman by pornographized objectification, and this is, in Kate Millet world, at least, woman's greatest fear. Is the corollary that men's greatest fear is subjection to emotion so severe it cripples? Judith Butler's men's greatest fear thing is women laughing at them, shame, I suppose. But is she only looking too obviously at the purported pride of a man, is the real fear sentimentality that forces us to recognize the internal perspectives of those around us. To realize our insignificance not by being belittled, but through the aggrandizement of all around us.

Ehh, i dunno.

a thought clipped from an email to the Honorable Sue Mell, because I wanted to keep the thought, but didn't want to revisit it too closely in my head, because I am a man, and I am scared of feeling, to some extent:

My best friend from New York is having a cancer scare. I'm so very unprepaired to deal with any and all issues of mortality. Isn't it particularly hard when they're far enough away that you can't touch them? it is for me. I feel a bit as though, if I could just get hold of her, her reality would eclipse any possibility of disolution. I suppose that's just a reflection of my naive certainty that I'm too real to die.
Regarding Guy

It's very hard for me not to be negative. Sometimes I wish I could have a stroke so then I could re-discover the world with child-like naivetee.
Emotional Maturity

My favorite part of a relationship is breaking up.

It's the only part I'm good at. I'm terrible at relationships. I don't know how to negotiate petty problems, my spooning technique is very poor and I fear and resent men. Like *IN* the relationship I never know what to say, but the very moment we break up. "You Tiara worshiping limey fuck" Somehow "I've met manequins with more profound insights" I just know exactly what to say, "You should really consider using a conditioner, because your hair is getting almost as dull and lifeless as your cock"
Urge Salad

Men love boners. Car commercials, beer commercials, action films. They exist so that men can pretend the world is as simple as it is when you have a boner. Vin Diesel is America's boner. And women make fun of men and their trashy tastes all the time, but women are just as bad. Women love to cry. Men want to turn the world into sexual objects, women want to turn them into pitiful objects. What are lifetime movies if not pornography where the cum is replaced by tears.

still too strident. I must find a way to say this with *LILT*

Popular culture has taught me that the greatest imperative in a man's life is to have an erection, in a woman's life to cry. Either way it artificially reduces the world's complexity into something safe and manageable. Nothing can be too scary if a man can cum on it or a woman can pity it.
Gnauthi Sotom

I don't speak greek, i dunno how to spell it.

I should become a crack counter-terrorism agent, but my specific skill would be to break into terrorist compounds, infiltrate their training system, then clog up their plumbing. I'm really good at clogging up plumbing, and we have to work with the skills we have.
I've Started Binge Sleeping

Every time I do it, I just end up blacking out.

Monday, July 07, 2003

Stern Constitution

Since the "war on terrorism" began its Orwellian little snowball, I've been really scared there's going to come a time when the government is so powerful we have no way of protecting ourselves against its intrusion. Then I realized there is still one force in this country stronger than John Ashcroft's justice department: JLo... and then i finish this joke.
to be Real

About two years ago, america fell in love with reality television, well, first we THOUGHT we fell in love with Who wants to be a millionaire, but it wasn't actually love, mostly we were just staring at the horrifying human tragedy that is regis philbin, but two years ago America fell in love with reality television, but now Entertainment Weekly tells me that America is falling out of love with reality television, but I think that Reality television is going to reveal that it's actually a millionaire, forcing america to ask whether our feelings for reality television were true love, or only crass materialism in the thrilling season finaly of "Who wants to be distracted from their crumbling democracy".

I have not seen this film, but I have already fallen in love with it for a reason that can be embodied in two words: Lesbian Assasin. That's everything that's right about American filmmaking in this 2003.

I drive a white ford f-150, the national vehicle of america's rednecks and official pacecar for all lynchings in the state of alabama. Now, a lot of people are confused by this, they're like, "Guy, you're gay, how can you drive a truck". (because I'm a top) Look people, before you decide to judge me, realize, i am not just some cliche, I'm lots of different cliches, spinning about and interacting. A melange of cosmopolitan urbanities and racist redneck ancestry, with a little sprinkle of jew on top.
Bright Noise

Sometimes I try to look into my soul and figure out exactly who I am and what I mean. Unfortunately in the darkest corners of my soul all I find are the lyrics to 1980's pop songs.

When I'm bored at work, by which I mean every moment of every day, I pass the time by antagonizing craigslist. Sure, it's great to have this convenient, free service, but it's more fun to try to waste and destroy this resource. Plus, one guy did actually take me up on my "will trade LSAT prep for fellatio" offer.

Had to come in an hour early this morning in preparation for the time off with annemarie. This, combined with the fact that I a) drank a mountain dew at 12:30 am, because i'm stupid, thus couldn't sleep until 3, and b) went off the atkins over the holiday weekend, and c) have been regularly enjoying coffee, returning the monkey to it's long vacated dorsal position, has resulted in me having a dickens of a headache.

didn't get up last night. my poor little soul aches, aches every sunday I don't get up. Why am I not yet a regular. how much more talent can they EXPECT?

I love me!

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